Celebrate: Finally Learning to say No!
This month I reflect on what it means to say Yes and what it means to say No. What are we saying Yes to?
I am a recovering Yes-Man. I have spent many years of my life saying Yes to everyone and everything. In many ways, it has treated me well. I’ve said Yes to a great many opportunities, adventures, and experiences. Saying Yes has helped me to live fully and try things I wouldn’t have considered on my own.
However, when it comes to the needs and wants of others, I was conditioned to believe that No was a bad word, a selfish sentiment. Saying Yes to the needs of others feels good. We help; We support; We bend over backwards to selflessly make things happen. It’s the thing that Supermoms are made of. Our egos are filled by the appreciation of others.
And yet, I hadn’t realized the opportunity cost to saying Yes. When we say Yes to one thing, we are saying No to something else. If we aren’t careful, saying Yes to others can involve disconnecting from ourselves. We say No to our own needs and wants. Overtime, we lose the ability to know what we want. It is the ultimate betrayal: the betrayal of ourselves.
Why do we get so comfortable saying No to ourselves?
Last March, I found myself in a normal pattern of conflict. I was asked to serve on the board of an association.
On the inside, it was a clear ‘no thank you’. I am busy enough in life, juggling family, work, volunteering, friendships, and maybe (just maybe) showing up for myself. I don’t need more responsibilities.
On the outside, I found myself saying a clear Yes. The request was an honor. I felt needed and wanted. My ego was filled. I knew that I could do great things for this organization. It would look great on my internal resume and do wonders for proving my value. External validation is powerful!
I felt conflict bubbling inside for months. Every time I spoke about the role with family and friends, I clearly stated that I didn’t want to take the position. Yet I kept moving forward by creating my application, nomination essay, bio, etc. It’s a pattern that I’ve actively repeated throughout my life. I’m comfortable with this pattern, while continuously beating myself up for being a push-over.
As voting took place, I gave myself permission to consider removing my name from the hat before the new board was announced. My family was supportive at listening without judgment as I continued to oscillate. What a gift that they held space for me to experience this conflict in my own time.
I asked my teen daughter what she recommended. She said “Mom, it doesn’t really matter. You can take the role or step out of the running. You and the organization will be fine either way.” Wow. Such wisdom from the mouth of babes! She followed it up with “Of course, it’s obvious that you don’t want to do this.”
How are my children less conflicted than I am? How can they see the inner truth without being haunted by the expectations of society? I’m proud that I raised them to listen to their inner voices. How can I live as an example?
On the last day of voting, I removed my name from the running. It was a difficult decision, and yet felt easefully aligned.
Immediately the phone calls began, asking me to reconsider. The universe seemed to be saying “Are you sure? Do you have the strength to say No a second time?” They stroked my ego and reminded me that I would be an asset to the organization. Ah, the path forward was so clear, and yet I found myself returning to a state of confusion! They called my bluff. I started justifying their cause. Maybe I’m not strong enough to say No.
As I laid in bed, unable to sleep that night, I called in my spirit guides and angels, asking them for a sign. I wanted them to give me the strength to make this decision. What type of sign could they give me in the dark, in the middle of the night? I thought some angel numbers on the clock would be a clear sign; But how do I know when to look at the clock so that I’m not rigging the message from above?
I waited. My husband rolled over in his sleep (he rarely rolls over). I looked at the clock, and it said 3:33am. How interesting! Maybe the spiritual world is speaking to me through him and the clock! As I considered and asked for the sign to be more clear, he rolled over again. I looked at the clock and it was 3:45am. Yes, this was definitely a sign.
Anyone who knows my husband knows that he is a symbol of being true to yourself and following joy. He experiences life unapologetically true to himself. The spiritual guidance was reminding me to choose Me. I fell straight to sleep knowing that I would stand in my truth and say ‘No thank you’ in the morning.
It was a beautiful relief to step into my truth. I slept great and felt peace as I confirmed my stance. What a great feeling of ease and freedom!
Since that day, I have felt a similar internal conflict at least 6 more times: with social gatherings, annual sponsorships, and business opportunities. Each time, it is easier to recognize the conflict between my inner and outer response.
When I quickly make the decision to honor my truth, my focus is redirected to saying No in a kind way. I’m no longer spending hours, days, weeks, months ruminating and trying to figure out how to say No to myself. Now it’s simply a 5 minute decision of how to say No to others, and then I quickly move on with life. What a relief!
It is such a gift to release this old pattern of being. I’m realizing that this ‘selfishness’ doesn’t hurt anyone. By being true to myself, my energy is freed up to be a bigger beacon of light and support in this world. I can help so many more when in alignment with myself.
Today, I share this to inspire each of you to have the strength to be yourself. Join me in celebrating one of my greatest accomplishments: learning how to say No!
