Book Review: When the Body Says No
Consider the many ailments that afflict us and those we love: ALS, multiple sclerosis, cancer, Alzheimers, Irritable bowel syndrome, autoimmune disease. Why do some of the kindest, most selfless and compassionate people suffer from these diseases? We all know someone who eats right, exercises, and makes sacrifices for their health, and still is diagnosed with an illness.
When the Body Says No, by Gabor Mate, addresses the underlying emotional landscape of these illnesses. He aims to make the qualitative quantitative, by sharing scientific studies that outline emotional patterns for each disease.
Did you know that genetics play a surprisingly minor role in the contraction of these illnesses? Did you know that we all host cancer cells, but other factors determine whether they overwhelm our system?
Mate’s research finds that much of our disease response is related to our childhood coping strategies.
Suppression of anger
If we don’t acknowledge our anger, how do we process it so that it doesn’t pollute us on the inside?
Suppression of your own will
Lack of knowing who you are separate from others
If we don’t know who we are, how will our immune system know what to fight off?
Responsibility for other people’s feelings
We are invited to express ourselves, even if it is hard for others to hear; be true to ourselves first, and let others own their feelings.
If we won’t say No to others, then the Body will say No. The disease or illness will force us to give up control, to rest, to slow down, to say No.
Gabor Mate suggests that the most impactful relationship for a child is with their mother. When this relationship is distorted, and the child suppresses his emotions to protect his mother, it leads to future disease.
“Mom is tired, maybe I’ll tell her later.”
“I don’t want to disappoint mom. She would be heartbroken if I told her.”
“Mom is so overwhelmed, I don’t want to put more on her.”
“Mom has enough bad news. I will just keep it to myself.”
This suppression becomes a lifelong habit in relationships and often leads to disconnection with yourself and disease.
Gabor Mate invites us to do the deep inner work to heal from childhood traumas and dramas. Consider for a moment the implications of a mother doing her own personal work to heal! No matter when in life a mother chooses to address her emotional state, it creates space for her child (even if now an adult) to express himself in her presence and release old coping mechanisms. The healing can expand exponentially across generations.
I am on the path to do my own personal work, to undo my own conditioning and the conditioning of my children. It is never too late to heal, and the ripple effect to family members through the generations are huge.
As a Parent
Ask your kids to express their emotions, especially anger. Help them to put their anger into words.
Support their self-expression when friends hurt them. If they don’t want to play with someone, honor and respect their wishes.
Focus on healing your relationship with them. We as parents inflict childhood wounds, knowingly or unknowingly, and regaining a sense of self is important for their health.
As a Friend
Support your friends’ expression. Truly listen without judgment. Be a safe person to talk to. They don’t have to hide their pain to protect you.
Support your friends’ development of self and emotional healing process.
Support your friends in releasing self-imposed responsibilities and ‘shoulds’.
Personally
Step into alignment with your true nature. Say what you feel. Do what feels right for you. Choose what you want. Honor and respect yourself first.
Do your personal emotional work, processing your own traumas and dramas.
I sincerely believe that everyone should read this book. It offers a new perspective on our health, and empowers us to maintain our well-being. It is easy to read, clear and concise, well researched, and holds profound implications.
May you be as inspired by this book as I am.
Gabor Mate is a Canadian physician who has done research and written books about addiction, stress, ADHD, and illness. All of his books are fantastic; I highly recommend them all!
