Leading from the Heart: Breaking the Habit of Control

Like many of you, I grew up honoring the incredible human brain.  I was focused on critical thinking; making decisions through logic; considering all of the angles.  Getting ahead in life was a game of strategy, planning, and will.   

I believed that there was one 'right answer', and all other paths were 'wrong'.  Enough mental gymnastics on a topic could lead you to the desired path.

I was so good at this game!  Life was like a chess board, and I knew how to move the chess pieces toward society's definition of success!

In the last few years, I've been learning about the heart-centered approach.  In The Qi Effect, Francesco Garripoli talks about quieting the intellectual and survival minds so that the heart can be heard.  

He says that the heart resides in the present moment.  It is the intuitive space in which we connect with our true essence and the divine within.  When we lead with our hearts, we feel the answer instead of thinking the answer.  When we make decisions from the heart, we are in alignment with our purpose.   

I love this concept.  But what does this mean?  How do we lead with the heart in our day to day lives?

Fast forward to today, and I find myself getting spun up and overwhelmed in the same way that I have for years.  No matter how much personal work I do, some habits are hard to release.  I received a big lesson from my family, and thought you might resonate.

I have a high school senior!  What a whirlwind year.  The seniors are at the top of their game, engaging in big opportunities, and shining bright.  They have a tremendous amount of time-sensitive decisions and submissions: college applications, auditions, senior photos, and more.  It's a full-time scheduling job, while also faced with the impending unknown of what is ahead.

I find myself diving in with the Intellectual mind to the self-appointed role of planner, scheduler, micro-manager, worrier.  I'm juggling all the details of his life.

"Have you worked on your college essays yet?  That essay isn't good enough.  I know what schools are looking for.  We need to tweak this.  Let's chase the early decision timeline for your best chance."

"Have you worked on your Eagle Scout project yet?  It takes 6-9 months to go through the approval process.  This has to be complete before you turn 18.  It has to happen Now."

"Are you really auditioning for another group?  I don't think you have time for this."

The questions go round and round.  The less he works on MY list, the more I nag.  I'm trying to step back, but keep worrying about the deadlines.  

Recently I've been waking in the middle of the night, worrying about his schedule.  I've been picturing various versions of a disappointing future.  My gut health has been deteriorating with the stress.

I realize that I'm in my head.  I realize this is not good for my senior.  I realize this is not good for my own health.  I realize this is not sustainable.  How do I show up in a different way?

So, I asked for help.  I've been talking with many of you and appreciate the broader perspectives you've shared.  Sometimes the best advice is from those who are 'in it' with you.  It's vulnerable and nuanced to receive feedback from a mirror.  I received startling advice from my husband.

"Ann, can you take a moment to consider an outcome in which our son gets into the college of his dreams, completes his Eagle Project in time, auditions for all the parts...all by himself?  Can you imagine an outcome in which he does it HIS way, and it works out beautifully?"

Ahhhh.  There it is.  That one statement brought me back to my heart.

When I consider a scenario in which my senior is empowered and directing his own life, I return to my heart.  It brings me back to my broader goal that he be happy, balanced, and feel loved.

• My way is not the only way.  There are infinite possibilities in life, and I don't have to know what they are.

• I can stop trying so hard.  My goal is simply to love and support his whole being.  

It feels different in the heart space.  My mind instantly calms.  My nervous system relaxes.  My breathing expands.  I am no longer thinking about all the options, but instead feeling.  Feeling sadness about losing my kid to his young adulthood.  Excited about his future.  Feeling proud of who he is.  Feeling out-of-control.  Feeling love.

My dear husband held up a mirror and I experienced the painful truth.  I was hurting my senior with this energy of "You can't do it yourself.  You need my help."  

I want our relationship to be based on feeling supported, empowered, and loved.  If I focus on that, the rest will fall into place.

And here we are, on day 4 of this new perspective, learning to trust his process.  Holding back from nagging.  Tuning into my heart, and feeling tremendous love and wonderment at his journey.  

Our son is stepping up to his life, fully engaged, doing it HIS way.  

I am stepping into a new awareness and look forward to letting my heart lead.  

May you be open to feel the shift from leading with the mind to leading with the Heart.  May you experience Peace.